Down and Dirty Confessions

OK, it’s Wednesday instead of Monday—I slipped on the day I have always committed to post a new entry. (You have to forgive me on Christmas week, don't you?)

For this week’s entry, I wanted to actually vlog an excerpt of the story we always read on Christmas Eve. I found that I’m just not that techie yet. Maybe next year.

I couldn’t blog about this topic on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day without feeling un-Christian. So I had to wait until after the celebration of Christ’s birth to give you a down and dirty confession….

You know how, during your work's open enrollment, you need to complete a health assessment so that this imaginary person representing your insurance company can rate how serious you are about your well-being? I took such an assessment the first part of November.

I'll give you a little background, in case you’re new to the blog. I have struggled with, wrestled with, weight for the past 20 years or so. I have lost weight and felt great—so great that I eventually give myself permission to shift my focus elsewhere. Like on sweets. Or fried food. Or bread. Or ice cream. (Oh, yeah...that's a sweet.) Or....

I try to look the other way so that I don't have to face the consequences of my choices. I'll stop weighing and measuring, both myself and my food. I'll pretend not to notice that I’m sucking it in a little when zipping my slacks. I'll wear baggier blouses or longer shirts, perhaps leaving them untucked, in an effort to fool others into thinking I have no struggles with food. The only one I'm fooling is me.

I worked very hard on my health in 2012, losing 32 pounds by the end of April and pretty much maintaining that loss until the health assessment. Not only were the numbers on the scale lower, but I had incorporated cross-country walking, some weights, and occasional bursts of high-intensity interval training into my days. I was sleeping better. I was off caffeine. I didn't need pain relievers. Others told me I inspired them.

I was averaging about 10000 steps, eating four to six servings of vegetables, and drinking about a gallon of fluids (between my water and green tea) per day. 

Despite all this work, do you think the imaginary person celebrated with me in my accomplishments? Nope. Why? Because my weight still kept me in the "fair" rating area, about two points away from a "good" rating.

Common sense told me that this was nothing but a computer system designed to spit out a response, not on my improvements, but on what my overall score was. Still, I fumed.

"I cannot believe this! After all this work, this is the thanks I get?!? I may as well eat whatever I want and stop working out!"

Yeah, that'll teach 'em.

I avoided the scale until Christmas day. Why I didn't decide to wait until the first of the year when everyone else finally screws up the courage, I'm not sure. Maybe it was because I knew that the sluggish way I was feeling was a huge clue that I needed to make a change, and quickly. Maybe I wanted to give myself a Christmas present—the gift of health. Maybe I wanted to confront the problem head-on before it loomed completely out of control.

When I stepped on the scale, I was aghast to see that I had put on nine pounds since the assessment day. Nine pounds. So hard to lose, but so easy to find! It was no skin off the imaginary person’s nose, assuming he had a nose. In fact, the imaginary person could have cared less.

I signed up for Weight Watchers that day and began using the online tools. 

I have worked too hard to go backward. I am renewing my commitment to a balanced life—physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I'm hoping to strike that balance between “disciplined” and “realistic” when it comes to weight loss.

I'm praying these nine pounds come off quickly since they haven't been there long! And then I'd like to lose another 20-40 pounds over the next year. (I’d actually like to lose a total of 30 pounds over the next three months...so much for realistic....)

My temptation will be to step on the scale prior to my Tuesday weigh-ins. I know this won't help me. If I don’t see movement, I'll become frustrated and want to "throw in the towel." If I notice the weight coming off after a day or two, I'll rationalize that I can "let up" on the tracking, which will lead to another downward spiral.

Pray for me, will you? I can use all the help I can get! I hate to be this open, but I have found that vulnerability is my greatest tool in propelling me toward change.

What would you like to accomplish in 2013?

Enjoy your day. Enjoy this blog.