I can’t walk into a McDonalds any given morning without
stumbling on a group of old guys razzing, debating, and generally enjoying each
other’s company. It typically spills onto me, and I love it. It makes me feel
like I’m home no matter where I am.
In my McDonalds, they
call me Computer Lady, though one guy keeps reminding the others: “Her name is
Anna! Call her by her name, would ya?!?”
One old guy sat by himself. No crime in that. He razzed me, too,
though in a different way. I was OK with his addressing me as “sweetie” and “honey.”
I didn’t mind the teasing. I did mind
comments like, “Wow, you have great legs. You should wear dresses more often.” He
typically waited until the others had migrated to their cars for the day’s
errands before approaching me.
Point number one: I knew he was lying; my legs are a
deficit, not an asset! Point number two: Do I even need to say it? Creepy.
I wrestled over how to handle this for the longest time. I
didn’t want to offend the guy. I mean, maybe he didn’t know. Maybe his comments
were harmless in his mind. Maybe he had talked like this all his life and didn’t
know any better.
But the comments offended me. Didn’t that count for something? Wouldn’t he appreciate hearing
about the hampering effects they had on further communication?
I dreaded seeing him. I felt like a victim in my own
McDonalds!
I would play these scenarios through in my head; I would
really “let him have it” with a verbal tirade about 1) how a guy old enough to
be my grandpa shouldn’t be looking at my legs, 2) how my husband has one fist
named Thunder and another Lightning, and 3) how I’d just as soon not talk to him
if he was going to be gross.
Yep, that’s me…the Speak-the-Truth-in-Love Girl! I’m glad I happened
upon The Awareness Model before taking action.
The Awareness Model is something we teach our associates as
a means of avoiding reactionary responses. If we identify 1) what
we feel about a situation, 2) what
we think about the problem, (i.e., what makes it such a problem in the first
place), and 3) what we want for the future, it keeps us grounded, healthy, and balanced. Our future communication,
then, will follow.
Am I the only one who struggles with identifying feelings? Why
the struggle?
1) We
don’t take time to evaluate our feelings. We might say, “I need to get on to
the task at hand. I don’t have time for this.” The reality is, no matter how
far we stuff them, feelings are still there. Like festering wounds, they will not
heal without attention. They will ooze and smell and hurt and burn until we can’t
ignore them. And then we’re left with the regrets and clean-up before recovery
can begin.
2) We
convince ourselves that our feelings are wrong. “What’s wrong with me? I
shouldn’t feel this way,” we say. Guess what? There is no right or wrong in feelings.
They just…are. We need to respect ourselves enough to give them a voice.
3) We’re
unsure whether they’ll be accepted. “What if others don’t understand? What if
they judge me? Doesn’t this make me a little too vulnerable?” More than
anything, acknowledging our feelings is a gift to ourselves. It s a form of healthy
self-care.
And think of the alternative:
If we don’t take a step back and really think a situation
through, we may end up saying or doing something we wish we could take back. We
rush to judgment and execute our actions accordingly, which causes, in some
case, irreparable damage.
So taking my scenario into account, I finished the “I feel,
I think, I want” statements like this:
“I feel uncomfortable with some of the things you say, for
example…”
“I think it’s interfering with our ability to have open
communication.”
“I want to be able to come in and be myself here.”
OK, I had a valid plan in mind…now to wait for the next
uncomfortable encounter. I didn’t have to wait long:
“I feel uncomfortable when you say that.”
“Oh, come on! Are you serious?!?”
“That comment makes me uncomfortable.”
“But you’re a very beautiful lady. Why can’t I tell you so?”
“It makes me uncomfortable.”
“I didn’t mean anything by it!”
“I believe you, but I’m uncomfortable…”
OK, so I stuttered on the “I feel.” My bad.
Since I didn’t follow through on the “I think” and “I want”
statements, I really didn’t leave the door open for reconciliation. The guy got
huffier and huffier during our exchange before exiting the restaurant. He sat
and stared at me for his next several visits, coming in less and less frequently.
It has now been weeks since I’ve seen him. Sigh.
I have a lot to learn. But I’m breathing a little better,
holding my head a little higher, and living a more balanced life because I
stood up for my feelings. I can’t control how a person responds to what I say.
I can only focus on delivering the message in such a way that demonstrates
concern, truth, and desire for a better future. Maybe next encounter I can get
up the nerve to try the “I think” and “I want” statements.
Are there situations in your life where you struggle with giving voice
to your feelings?
Enjoy your day. Enjoy this blog.
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