The Fight of Your Life – Four Strategies for Resolving Your Most Important Relationships

Like so many, I enjoyed a great career with varied responsibilities and challenges. My employer paid me well for my expertise, and those wages provided for a comfortable home and lifestyle. I was doing what I loved, married to a great man, enjoying the adult relationships I had cultivated with my kids, and celebrating each milestone my grandbaby attained.

Sounds like a balanced life to me. All in all, you could say I was the model of prosperity in Middle America.

I mentioned something to my husband, John, about being my best friend. His response startled me. Actually, that’s putting it mildly; it shook me to my core. “I’m not your best friend,” he said.

“What do you mean?!? Of course, you’re my best friend. If you’re not, who is?”

“You’re your best friend.”

Kapow!

After I pulled my flattened self off the floor, John explained that no one was more important to me than me, from what he could tell. He said that I protected my private time like a pit bull (which was true), and that I really didn’t need anyone else (which was not true).

I’m not great at saying, “I’m sorry.” In fact, I’m terrible. I have always felt that a person best demonstrates his sorrow by changing his future actions. That has merit, but people need the words anyway – it shows you heard them and that you acknowledge your part. Makes sense on paper, but I still suck at it.

Anyway, this exchange took place over a year ago. Since I’m not good at using that “sorry” phrase, I recoiled, grasped for my bearings, and retreated to develop my Strategy for Resolution:  

1)      Trust and Respect – These two things go hand-in-hand. You have to show respect if you ever hope to gain trust. At the risk of being chastised forever, this illustration will show you what I mean:

While we dated, I encouraged John to start his own business. This was something he always wanted to try but never felt free to pursue. He had kids to support after all, and he needed a regular paycheck. Since he was between jobs and drawing unemployment, I said there was never a better time. He took me up on my suggestion and, ten years later, he has a thriving business. It’s paying for itself, but John hasn’t quite gotten to the point where he’s able to make much of a contribution to the family budget.

For years leading up to this Kapow moment, I used this lack of a draw as a weapon. We would be in the midst of a disagreement and, out of nowhere, I would ask when he thought he would start contributing financially.

This had to stop. NOW. I needed to see the money as ours, and not his and hers. I would accept God’s plan for our present situation and rely on Him for our daily bread. Besides, if the situation were reversed, I would want John to find value in me, not in what money I might or might not bring to the table.

2)      Commitment – I would show John that I was committed to the whole of him. I would demonstrate that I needed him, that I valued our time together, and that I was willing to put other things aside in favor of his happiness, at least some of the time. This couldn’t be just an outward act; I had to soften my heart toward his concerns and obstacles. I would be his safe place to vent, the place where he could express his struggles and uncertainties without judgment. I would dream with him.

3)      Individuality and Boundaries – I still needed private time; it was my way of staying focused and productive, my way of being my personal best. But it couldn’t flow so long and wide that is created a chasm between us. Likewise, I had to acknowledge that John’s life didn’t revolve around me. I would be OK with that. I would encourage his pursuits outside of my world.

4)      Conflict – I would learn to confront situations without casting blame. Not easy. But I found that if I stayed calm, I had already fought the biggest part of the battle. My statements changed from, “You always…” to, “This is what I’m seeing. Help me understand.” I would state my position while looking for common ground. I would seek consensus when decisions needed to be made.

It’s not perfect yet. In fact, in an exchange this weekend, John mentioned that he still has trouble confronting me on things because he’s afraid I’m going to bring up money again. Ouch. But we’ll get there. This is a path worth travelling.

Are you in a relationship that you need to protect, need to fight for? How will your Strategy for Resolution look?

Enjoy your day. Enjoy this blog.